The Grumpy Old Men Talk Tradie

Marty and Steve are two grumpy old men who live together. They have known each other for years. Hot off their debate about chewy on your boot, Steve gets Marty all fired up again.

“So, Marty, my old mate, you were a trader for what, thirty years?”

“Ken oath!”

“What? Who is Ken Oath?"

“Not who you wakka, it means yes!” shot back Marty.

“Well, why did you just say that instead of bringing Ken into it?”

“Ken Oath is tradie slang for f#@king oath.”

"See, that's what I don’t understand, Marty; all you tradespeople have a language all of your own. Why can’t you just talk plain English?” asked Steve, starting to frazzle Marty.

"Oh, root your boot!”

“Do what, Marty, ro—o—ot my b-oo-t? Please explain."

“It means to get real; you have to be joking, or to put it in a language you will understand, get stuffed!”

“There is no need to be like that, Marty," said Steve. “You see, I am just trying to decipher this note that Barry the builder left me about the renovations to the back room. I need you to tell me what he is talking about,” asked Steve, reassuring him that he had Marty well and truly on the hook now.

“I’ll read it to you because I know you can’t read so well,” said Steve, adding more salt to the wound.

“Gidday mate,

Bazza ‘ere. Been flat out like a lizard drinking. Havin’ trouble findin tradies. I need a chippe, a sparky and a dunny diver. I can do the brikky work.

Got caught up with some shinybum on Mundy. The bludger ripped the back off my ute, and I had to go up Woop Woop to get a spare part.

Well, smokos over and I’ve had my sanga and dog’s eye. I’ll give ya a burl on Tuesdy.

On ya, Bazza.”

“Which part didn’t you get?” Marty asked, nearly falling off his chair with laughter.

“Well, I worked out that a chippy was a carpenter, a sparky must be an electrician. He is a bricklayer, so he must be talking about doing the brickwork himself. What on earth is a dunny diver?”

“It’s a plumber, stupid. Dunnies are toilets, plumbers fix toilets, so they are called dunny divers.”

“Why do you lot have to put an “y” on everything?”

“I don’t know,” replied Marty, “Why do Queenslanders put “eh” at the end of every sentence. I don’t know, they just do.”

“So what is he talking about when he says he is flat out like a lizard drinking? What have lizards got to do with anything?” said Steve, keeping the inquiry going.

"He’s been really busy, putting in a lot of hard work. You can say you've been flat out like a lizard drinking to show just how busy you are."

“Makes no sense at all. What’s a shiny bum, and where is Woop Woop? I gather it has something to do with his truck he calls his ute, I get that?”

“A shiny bum is an office worker because they sit on their bums all day and never move. A bit like you in your working days, Steve. Tradies think all office workers are bludgers or slackers who do very little work. Woop Woop, is a bloody long way. Where he would rack up the kilometres in his ute if you have to go all the way out to Woop-Woop every day,” explained Steve.

“Boy, you must have really never come up for air from your cosy office all your life. You don’t know any of this tradie talk?” poked Marty, now getting the better of Steve.

“O.K, smart arse, what is a dog's eye then, and he going to give me a burl, what the hell is that?”

Steve chuckled to himself. “Remember when we used to go to the footy and er have ourselves a Four n’ Twenty at halftime with our beer?"

“Oh, yes, they were good times, buddy,” replied Steve, flashing back in his mind to those days.

“A dog’s eye is a meat pie, a Four n’ Twenty, and you have with dead horse, tomato sauce. He is going to call you on Tuesday.”

“Hmm!” was all Steve could manage. “You had better talk to him then; otherwise, we will never get these renovations done. Sorry, rennos!”

Till next time,

Calvin