Restless

Restless

I get myself ready for bed every night. I brush my teeth, take my make up off, and wash my face. Then I turn off the light and lay on my right side, I eventually fall asleep. Maybe a hour or so, I wake up abruptly panting, my heart racing, a million miles an hour. It feels like I just ran a marathon. Once I’m awake I struggle for about a half hour or so, to go to sleep. Then I have another episode and the same thing happens a few more times through the night.

Next thing I know, it’s morning and I feel exhausted like I never slept all night. My body and mind, knows it’s moving, but at a very slower pace than usual. I can’t concentrate, I make risky and bad decisions or sometimes can’t make any.

I have no patience, I want to scream, at everyone who gets in my way. Everyday and every night, the same thing seems to happen no matter what I try.

It maybe doing yoga before bed, reading, or writing in my journal. I sleep for a hour or two, I then wake up multiple times again feeling like I’ve been running a marathon all over. But, this time I’m jumping and it’s like an out of body experience it scares me. I never know if I’m going to wake up or die. I even use the Cpap machine every night like clock work. I still, wake up multiple times again every single night.

I used to love to sleep, but now my mind is scared to sleep, because what if it’s time that I don’t wake up then what? I’m only fifty years old, and I shouldn’t be feeling this way. Will, this nightmare ever end?